so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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