i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
