What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
