apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize