remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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