Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
