I faked an abortion last night.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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