Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
