Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
