I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
