i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Fuck appropriateness.
pop tarts are not kleenex
we're making bets on your personal life
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
