So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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