I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize