I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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