Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
True college students do jello shots in the library
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
