Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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