so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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