are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
