girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
