I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
