Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
