we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
