I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
