Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
