if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
