Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
