I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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