i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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