Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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