This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
