rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
