when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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