Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
