I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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