we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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