Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
