Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
As shirtless as possible
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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