When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
