I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
where am i from again
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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