Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
