sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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