He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
