My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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