She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
