somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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