theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
