My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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