in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
