he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
