Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
