If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
