Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
