Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
