his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize