I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
