checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The best revenge is premature balding
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
